My horoscope didn’t say anything about stepping in pee this morning. Not even an oblique warning such as ‘Tread carefully, Virgo!’ or ‘Trouble underfoot!” There was no hint of the ‘golden opportunity in my path today,’ nor was I told I might ‘make a big splash.’
It didn’t tell me that ‘Trouble will dog your steps today’ or remind me to ‘Put your best foot forward,’ or that ‘Someone unexpected may offer you a gift today.’
It didn’t even tell me ‘You’re in for a surprise today.’ Urine…for a surprise. That would’ve worked. We humans can rationalize almost anything.
Sometimes I read my horoscope out of idle curiosity. It can be amusing. But as we’ve seen, it made absolutely no attempt to warn me that a dog was covertly doing her business on the small shag rug near my bed.
It did tell me that a little R & R was in order. A little rest and relaxation. This is something everyone needs from time to time; you don’t need a horoscope to tell you that. But it was nice to hear it, anyway, because I’ve been having that feeling for a while now- the hankering to get away, maybe visit my sister in Pennsylvania, and it was nice to hear someone, even a free horoscope app, validate that.
We all need a break, a little get-away, a bit of time to recharge our batteries. It’s hard to tell, sometimes, if we’re just a little tired or if we really need to get away. We humans don’t have a reliable ‘low battery’ signal. This is something that I feel should be addressed by science in the near future. We need some signal- something visible or audible, to let us know when we officially need to recharge our batteries.
Like my hearing aids, for example. When my hearing aids are running out of juice, they let me know. They go Boop.
It’s the low-battery tone that lets me know I have only a short time before the sound cuts out completely. Boop! Then I have to rummage around in my purse looking for that annoyingly small yet expensive cardboard packet of hearing aid batteries, Boop! And curse myself for not cleaning out all the rubbish- wrappers, receipts, pens, nickels, post-it notes with blog ideas, and breath mints, Boop! And if I’m not quick enough, there’s a little multi-note sequence, a downward crescendo, like when Pacman dies.
This battery is dead. Game over, deaf person!
The doorbell at work lets us know when its batteries run low, as well. It normally announces guests with a standard Ding-Dong, but after the continuous pressure of many fingers, the doorbell begins calling attention to its weakened condition. Ding, it will say, and then pause, as if drawing a breath. Dong.
We laugh. Listen to that crazy doorbell, the kids say. The doorbell continues to amuse. Ding dong, dong ding! It starts ringing when there is nobody at the door. Ding dong dong, dong ding, ding! After a few days of this, it does actually sound more and more frantic.
Of course, once we know it’s just a matter of the batteries being low, the insertion of two fresh AA’s is all it takes to put it right.
But isn’t it nice to officially know?
I was thinking of this stuff as I hopped around my bedroom with one pee-soaked foot. Hopping, and dripping, and swearing, like you do. Realizing that I had indeed forgotten to buy hearing aid batteries the other day. And knowing that I had to be at work in about 20 minutes, and then swearing some more. Feeling just a bit frazzled, shall we say.
And I thought, perhaps I should go visit my sister for a bit. Boop! I haven’t taken any days off work for a long time, ding ding, have I? And I could easily hop over to work and show my boss my wet foot and my iPhone and she could read the little horoscope and I’m quite sure she’d agree, boop dong, ‘cause she takes stock in those star chart things even if I do not.
Because everyone needs to change their batteries once in a while.
Especially when they get wet.
Readers, how do you recharge your batteries? Have you got a lovely island get-away? (You do? Where is it?!) Or perhaps you just take a bath with lots of bubbles? What’s your sign? Have you ever stepped in pee? Did you see who did it? Was it that dog of mine?